Magicians (The)
by Wumblepuff
Summary: To call this "satire" is probably being generous so instead lets call it "art". Obviously no ill will intended towards Mr Grossman: While I didn't enjoy his book, I did enjoy birthing this abomination.
1. Chapter 1: Quentin is Clever

**Chapter One: 'Quentin is Clever'**

Quentin Warmwater was a depressed teenager. Not because his name was ridiculous, not because he was poor or unattractive or had dead parents or any other conventional reason for teenage depression in a literary context. No, Quentin 'privileged' Icewater was upset because he wasn't living in Narnia.

Ever since he was a young rich American boy, Quentin Frigidwater had dreamed of leaving his world of comfort filled with caring family, supportive friends and a generic love interest and journey beyond to a world he had read about in an incomplete book series he discovered when he was 6. If you think that's illogical and a bit weird especially since Quentin Hotwater is now 18 and also apparently very clever then you haven't seen anything yet.

Our tale begins with Quentin, Julia and Love-Rival walking down the street. No, his name isn't Love-Rival but it might as well be. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway since he's only in the first chapter.

"Hey Julia, wanna kiss in front of Quentin?" said Love-Rival. His arms swinging in and out of the visible spectrum due to how two dimensional his character was.

"Yes" said Julia.

"Curse you, Love-Rival. You win this time" thought Quentin, his hands clenched into fists, gnashing his teeth audibly. The duo (Love-Rival doesn't count as a character) were on their way down the road to try and acquire a job for Quentin. Now it just so happens that as well as being best friends, the gang were also the most intelligent teenagers in the whole of North America. Quentin Tepidwater is very academically clever. Don't worry if you didn't pick up on the subtle hint at how brainy Quentin is, I will repeat it several times per page just to make sure everyone knows. Anyway Quentin 'clever' Clearwater and his mates were heading to get jobs. Jobs that you need to be really clever in order to get (hint, hint).

Upon turning the corner of [ _American street name_ ] Quentin and the crew stumbled across an arctic fox.

"Is it just me or is that fox really arousing?" said Quentin, hunger bubbling like bubbles behind his bubble shaped eyes.

"Yes" said Julia who was still holding hands with Love-Rival.

Suddenly the suspicious fox turned into an equally suspicious fit woman.

"You're fit" said Quentin.

Wordlessly the woman handed them all pieces of paper with 'Call to adventure' written on them. She also gave Quentin a book titled 'Narnia Book 8: Magicians(the)'. Yes, well done reader(s), that's the title of the book you're reading, you must be as clever as Quentin.

"But everyone knows that there are only seven Narnia novels" gasped Quentin, his clever eyes brimming with tears like a lover with herpes.

"Yeah well now there are eight. Whatever you do, don't lose that book because it is important for the plot" said the fox-lady.

"Okay then!" exclaimed Quentin before promptly losing the book without even reading a page. God knows why he didn't read it since his whole life revolves around wishing he lived in it.

"Well anyway, you kids had best heed the call to adventure now. Walk down that alleyway over there" said the foxy lady before promptly vanishing.

"No" said Julia.

And so, Quentin 'Third Wheel' Shallowwater walked down the mysterious alleyway leaving his privileged life and loving friends behind him. Where does he end up? Have a guess, dear reader(s). If you guessed Narnia, then you are wrong. Quentin found himself in front of an old school. Its fine though, Quentin loves school because he is really clever. A boy who looked about a year older than him (that's 19 years old if haven't been paying attention) was perched on a wall.

"Helloooo! My name is Elliot and I'm the alcoholic gay character" said the boy. "Welcome to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and anxiety. Normally there would be an entrance exam but you pass by default because you're the protagonist".

Quentin watched in awe as Elliot struck a cool pose and lit a cigarette. And then another cigarette, and another. By the way Elliot is to smoking what Quentin is to being clever.

"Come forwards Quentin Stagnantwater, come forth and embrace your destiny as a wizard."

So, at last Quentin had a purpose in life. He had finally discovered how to not be depressed when you have a privileged life like his. The solution was simple: Become a goddamn wizard.

Elliot grabbed Quentin with a hand that smelled pungently of alcohol, cigarettes and gay. He led him down a long winding corridor deep into the heart of the old school building after informing Quentin that they were going to meet the head teacher: Dean Foggy.

They arrived at a door and Elliot patted Quentin on the bum before disappearing in a cloud of cigarette smoke, wine and semen. Quentin Toxicwater gazed at the door. There was an indescribable feeling he got from that door. Almost as if it were…British.

Then the British door's British handle creaked and the British door swung open Britishly. Quentin found himself in a British-looking room filled with British objects. The carpet was British, the desk was British, all the desk ornaments were British. There were several Union Jack flags hanging from the British ceiling which was painted to look like a map of Britain. There was a small British table with a British plate perched on it which contained crumpets, Shepard's pie, game pie, bangers and mash, tea and a full English breakfast. However, the man sitting on the British chair behind the British desk was clearly an American. Although he was wearing a British suit and a bowler hat.

The American man leaned forward in the British fashion, gave a wide, British grin and said in a false British accent:

"I'm British, don't you know?".

Quentin Liquidwater took a step back and closed the British door signalling the end of the first chapter with a very British 'clunk' sound.


	2. Chapter 2: Disciplinary Action

**Chapter Two: 'Disciplinary actions'**

Quentin Gelidwater sat in a room populated by a diverse array of wacky characters. The room was like a university lecture hall except it was magical. The bald boy to Quentin's left turned to him and offered an edgy smile.

"Hi, I'm Penny and I'm a punk" he said. "Wanna be friends?". He extended his hand and gave Quentin a smile which was warm and friendly despite the fact that he was a punk and therefore bald.

"No thanks, I don't like friends because they make my depression flare up" said Quentin Coldwaterly. "Besides, I'm not even sure what a punk is, do you have other character traits or is that all I have to go on?". Penny opened his mouth to speak but decided to close it and then never talk to anyone in the school ever again. "Damn right, school is a competitive environment because I'm really clever" thought Quentin Proudwater.

"I'm clever too" said a meek voice to Quentin's right.

"WHAT DID YOU SA-" screamed Quentin, spinning to face the person to his right but stopping after he saw their face. Beside Quentin was a girl who immediately sent all thoughts of Love-Interest-One flying out of the book, not to be seen again for several hundred pages.

"Hi my names Alice, I'm clever and really shy. Also, I have a tragic backstory" said the girl before looking down at the floor shyly and cleverly and tragic backstoryly.

"My God, you must be an important character if you have more than two defining features" gasped Quentin. He was just about to ask if she was another love interest when 'Rule Britania' began blaring over the loudspeaker system.

"GOOD MORNING TO YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS THE QUEEN" crowed Dean Foggy Britishly. He had entered the auditorium stealthily in a black taxi while nobody was looking and now he began bouncing across the stage in a very British manor, small pictures of the royal family fluttered out from his pockets all of which were covered in marks to suggest they had been kissed repeatedly. "Do allow me to introduce this fine old guvnor".

Another man stepped begrudgingly from the taxi and began reciting a long speech.

"Greetings, I am a professor of magic, pause for dramatic effect. You have been selected to come to this school because you are all clever enough to do magic (Yes that's how magic works)"

Everyone in the room chattered excitedly to each other except Penny the punk since he had just taken a vow of silence.

"Magic is divided into disciplines and each discipline has hundreds of sub-disciplines. The main disciplines are: Physical, Illusion, Natural, Psychic, Elemental and Defence against the dark arts."

One by one the students were called to the front of the class. The professor of magic sat them in a chair and then announced what their discipline was. Alice was called to the front so she sat in the chair, nervously.

"Phosphomancy" said the Professor. "It's a type of physical discipline that involves manipulating light". Another child came and sat in the chair.

"Discipline-mancy" said the Professor. "You have the magical ability of telling other people what their disciplines are". The boy's eyes brimmed with tears. "Yeah, join the bloody club" snarled the Professor. Next up was Penny. The professor frowned and then whispered something in his ear before sending Penny to go and sit down.

"Yes!" cheered Penny, forgetting his vow of silence.

"What's your discipline?" asked Alice, forgetting she was the shy character.

"Plot." said Penny. "Don't worry, it'll be significant later." Then it was Quentin's turn. He approached the stage, his heart pounding harder than his dreams of Love-Interest-One.

"Okay, you're another weird one, why don't you try casting some spells and we can see what your discipline is." said the professor. Quentin Enchantedwater concentrated hard and wiggled his fingers around in concentric circles for a few minutes, trying to remember something simple he'd seen in one of the textbooks.

Time stopped.

All noise ceased, the wind which had previously been howling outside was completely silent. Alice was paused reading a clever book with lots of words. Penny had been making some hardcore punk hand gestures when time stopped and now he was posed ludicrously with his tongue hanging out and his fingers pointing to the sky. The Discipline-mancy boy was still crying only now the tears were seemingly stuck to his cheeks, not budging an inch.

Everyone in the room, including Quentin and the Professor were frozen in place, only their eyes were capable of movement and in those eyes, Quentin saw true fear. "This is great" thought Quentin "I love magic".

"Wanna know what's better than magic?" said The Beast.

"What?" blinked Quentin.

"Eating people" said The Beast. It opened its mouth and swallowed the professor like a hungry beast. Then it walked around the room glancing at various people as if deciding on who to eat next. It decided on some random girl at the back and without a second thought began to eat her too. This lasted quite a while and Quentin's body was beginning to get tried as was everyone else in the room, not that Quentin Meanwater cared. More eaten people meant less potential friends and therefore better grades, everyone knows that.

Eventually The Beast got bored and with eating people and after a brief nod in Quentin's direction, vanished. Time immediately resumed and the whole room lay in stunned silence on the floor.

This tranquillity was broken in a similar fashion to the door which burst asunder to reveal Dean Foggy sitting astride his battle taxi, brandishing a magical longsword which tasted suspiciously of scones. "TALLY HO!" he screamed Britishly before coming to stop in the centre of the room.

"Oh" he said glancing at the pile of clothes which had been the professor. "Looks like we need a new discipline-mancer!" he said cheerfully patting the shoulder of the crying boy next to him. Then he swiftly exited the room to masturbate to a signed photo of Winston Churchill.


	3. Chapter 3: Kids get Physical

**Chapter 3: 'Kids get physical'**

"Right then…" said Quentin Beefwater. (I'm hungry shut up). He and Alice were stood outside an enormous clubhouse, home of the people whose magical discipline lay under the 'Physical' category, the rarest type of discipline.

At the door stood Elliot, Quentin's acquaintance from the first chapter. "Welcome, girls to the physical clubhouse". Elliot overturned the two-litre keg of vodka into his open mouth. "Not the first time I've gagged today" he giggled. "Because I'm gay, remember?".

Quentin Awkwardwater shuffled his feet and looked nervously at Alice. She also looked nervous but that was nothing new. Elliot led them by the hand into the clubhouse to meet the fully fleshed out characters that would play a significant part in the novel. All two of them.

"Hello, I'm love interest three Janet" said a girl sitting on the floor looking pretty "I'm pretty".

"That's interesting, most characters have had two traits at least up until now" thought Quentin. "She must be particularly empty".

"Haha, more like pretty mean" said the fat boy to her left. "Hi, I'm Josh and I'm the comic relief". Everyone laughed except Quentin.

"I'm honestly getting pretty tired of everyone telling me their character traits whenever I meet them" snarled Quentin. "I can figure stuff out for myself you know, I'm the clever character". Elliot patted him on the back and gave him a winning smile, like Charlie Sheen only more gay and less of an alcoholic.

"Relax Quentin, Janet's really pretty and Josh is absolutely hilarious. Josh, say something absolutely hilarious".

"I'm a Viking!" said Josh with a crazy grin. Everyone laughed again except Quentin. "I'm a Viking!" said Josh again only with two exclamation marks. Even Quentin had to admit that it was pretty funny the second time. "I'M A VIKING!" bellowed Josh. He began to emit steam; the crazy grin became somewhat sinister and then even more sinister as his eyes glowed and horns sprouted from his head. Josh slowly lifted off into the air and paused their rotating on the spot for a while before fainting.

"What the actual hell was that?" asked Quentin.

"To be honest none of us are sure whether Josh can do magic." said Elliot. "Occasionally though, random shit like that happens." Everyone was still for a moment, contemplating Josh's Viking themed fit. "Anyway, let's get some dinner going!" said Elliot brightly. He tossed some vegetables into a wok before summoning another 2-litre keg of vodka to add to the stir-fry.

Quentin followed Alice and Janet into the backroom.

"The house is magic and therefore any damage dealt to it is repaired the next morning. This includes any damage to Elliot's internal organs due to his frankly worrying alcohol consumption" explained Janet. Quentin Hellorhighwater ignored the exposition because he had found a bookshelf; perfect for intellectuals. Alice was still listening intently though because its rude not to pay MOOOO attention.

"What's your magical discipline Janet?" asked Alice.

"I can make ice sculptures breed for me" said Janet.

Just at that moment Elliot returned. He held several plates of a liquid that upon a hasty taste test from Quentin Hungrywater proved to be pure alcohol.

"Elliot, what the hell is this?!" spat Janet, so angry she was coming dangerously close to having a personality. "Where are the rest of the ingredients?".

"I added so much vodka that they all fermented" he explained excitedly. "DOWN THE HATCH BOYS AND GIRLS!" came his war cry as he guzzled all five plates of stir-fry. Janet sighed and led Quentin and Alice back into the kitchen to find some less inebriating food. There they were confronted by a shadowy figure.

"Guys this is Mr Dorothy. He speaks in italics because he's a fairy" said Janet.

" _Hello_ " said Mr Dorothy. Quentin shook his hands and noticed he had six thumbs and insect wings. On each hand.

"Oh! That type of fairy." Said Quentin "I though you meant the Elliot kind".

"Wow cool, a fairy" said Alice, forgetting how shy she was. "I bet this guy is an interesting and magical character".

" _Nope_ " said Mr Dorothy before disappearing from the book. Seriously that's the last time he's mentioned, what the hell. The gang sat in silence for a while, taking time to comprehend the waste of paper that made up Mr Dorothy.

The silence was permeated by a sound like a gunshot. The trio rushed into the living room to discover that Elliot's liver had exploded.

"Not again" said Janet in her traditionally deadpan voice.

And so chapter three ended. Quentin Waterwatereverywhereandnotadroptodrink sat with awful posture agonising over whether to elusively read his book under the table so nobody knew how clever he was until it was too late or whether he should read his book out in the open so that everybody could see that he was the smartest character of them all. Alice sat on a sofa agonising over her tragic backstory. She wanted to ask Quentin what he was reading but she was far too timid. Typical Alice. Josh's unconscious body still hung in the air, slowly revolving and occasionally emitting a low Viking-themed rumble that everyone found unexplainably funny. Elliot giggled like a serial killer as his pelvis slowly inflated with blood and bits of ruined liver. Janet had observed the scene for a while before shrugging and dropping to the floor to make out with Elliot's paralysed from.

Outside in the snow (It's snowing now) a lone figure sat watching the physical kids through their clubhouse window.

"Look at you all" sneezed Penny the punk. He had been standing in the snow for several hours and had caught a cold due the fact that he was bald and also clad only in skinny jeans and leather sleeves. "You all think this is a children's novel about magic schools. Well I have news for you." He assumed a punk stance which involved jumping on the spot and rubbing his hands together to avoid the cold. "The target audience is actually YOUNG ADULTS. There's gonna be sex, swearing and people who eat hands. When you're feeling edgy enough come find me and we can advance the plot."

With these parting words pulled an incredibly important McGuffin out of his pocket and vanished into the night leaving behind him nought but some footprints and the pungent smell of Lynx™.


	4. Chapter 4: Animal Cruelty

**Chapter Four: Animal Cruelty**

Quentin Sleepywater lay in bed, clad in his Hogwarts pyjamas. He had taken a quick break from his intense high-level academic studying in order to read the 'The Silver Chair' everyone's least favourite Narnia novel. There came a knock at the door. Quentin closed the book and let out a deep breath. Opening the door with magic would require immense focus but he knew he could handle it (get it, door handle?).

He closed his eyes and pointed both hands at the door before shrieking "ALOHAMORA" in what he assumed was a deep wizard voice but due to the effects of puberty turned out to sound more like a whistle being blown by a higher pitch whistle. The door slowly opened and a fox entered the room. Quentin's breathing became rapid and he felt the blood rush to his cheeks.

"Thanks" said the fox. "I couldn't open the door because I'm a fox".

"How did you knock, then?" asked Quentin peering at the fox, his eyes filled with wonder and arousal. The fox winked at him and Quentin felt his cheeks become even more red. So much so that his hands became greyish and numb due to the lack of blood. "Why have you come to me oh beautiful creature?" he said his voice barely a whisper.

"To advance this messy excuse of a plot" growled the fox "We are 3 chapters in and you haven't even gotten to Narnia yet". The fox jumped up onto the bed "Its high time we got this show on the road, now where the hell is Penny?"

At the mention of Penny, Quentin's erection fizzled out like a disappointing firework being launched into a vat of treacle. "I don't know, he jumped up and down outside for a bit and then vanished into the forest".

The fox pinched the bridge of her snout. "For fox sake, this is so half-arsely done." She paused for a second to contemplate whether pinching her snout was actually anatomically correct. "Okay, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to go and look for Penny and hopefully begin this story properly, you need to ad-lib for a while."

"How do I do that?" asked Quentin, trying to prop himself up but failing due to the lack of blood in his hands.

"Just do what you've been doing. Have you been telling the reader how clever you are?" replied the fox. Shuffling across his bed towards the window.

"Almost every page" beamed Quentin proudly.

"Good boy. I shall return in a chapter or two, try not to break the fourth wall too much while I'm gone, its bad for your health". And with that parting statement the fox leaped through the window and out in to the night. Quentin fell into a dreamless sleep before he was roused by another knock at the door. He jumped up, hoping it might be the foxy lady or failing that one of the love interests. Alice or Janet or the other one.

He was mortified to discover Dean Foggy standing in his doorway holding a cup of tea. "This is almost as disappointing as when Mr Dorothy disappeared" thought Quentin, his second erection retracting into his body like a snail suspended over a candle.

"Quentin my dear old chap, I have a problem which I though you may be able to help me with" announced Dean Foggy his English accent reverberating around the room like a convoluted simile. He stepped flamboyantly into Quentin's bedroom not bothering to remove his British bowler hat.

Quentin cleared his throat "Um…sure, what can I do for you, sir?" he asked.

"Could you try cuppa I just brewed? I made in my normal British fashion however it tastes slightly like rohypnol to me" said Dean Foggy, handing him the mug.

Quentin Thatsnotwater sighed and sipped the tea. The room began to spin but not in a fun magic way, no this was more like a drug induced trance kind of spin. "Not so clever after all are you? You **Jerk** " came the voice of Dean Foggy from somewhere way, way above him.

The next half hour was a blur of strange shapes and voices. Quentin felt himself rise into the air and float down a corridor. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he could only float and also sneeze for some reason. He realised he was surrounded by other floating bodies and they were all floating together in a strange formation. He recognised Alice as one of the floating bodies and he sneezed at her. She sneezed back and they both felt like they had made progress.

Quentin Druggedwater began to regain some of the feeling in his neck. With great effort he looked around and saw Dean Foggy walking slowly behind the procession of sneezing teens, his hands were held aloof and the air around them was slightly blurred which Quentin guessed was a side effect of the spell that was making them float. The Dean's hands twisted subtly and Quentin felt his body tilt at an angle and float up a flight of spiral stairs and onto the roof of the school.

Dean Foggy clicked his fingers and then frowned at the children. Suddenly he remembered how to break spell and he sneezed. Instantly Quentin regained all the feeling in his body which was unfortunate because at that same moment he hit the ground.

"Bollocks" muttered Dean Foggy Britishly. Then he wondered off, leaving the students in the capable hand of another professor.

"Hello everyone!" crowed the professor "I'd introduce myself but I'm only in this chapter, I brought you all here to announce that you have all won an all-expense paid trip to Hogwarts: Antarctica!" he beamed at them with his forgettable face and then spoke again with his indescribable voice "Do any of you have any questions?"

"Why did Foggy roofy us when we were already asleep, why didn't he just ask us to follow him since we are all quite capable of climbing stairs unaided and most importantly why is this book so sporadic?" asked Quentin Spoilsportwater.

The professor laughed gaily. "Let me answer those questions by turning you into a swan".

"Honk" replied Quentin. He slowly looked around him at and saw that all of his classmates had been replaced with swans. No wait, they WERE swans. He felt very proud of himself for working that out. He recognised Elliot as the swan with a cigarette, Josh as the swan with Viking horns and Alice as the swan with the tragic backstory.

"Now then my pretty swans" exclaimed the professor "Fly to Antarctica!"

"That's stupid!" honked Quentin before he felt himself get kicked off the roof and into the sky with the rest of his classmates.


	5. Chapter 5: Ice Cold in Antarctica

**Chapter Five: Ice cold in Antarctica**

"So, then Tracy said: 'Sorry you can't sit on this table because its full, we're still best friends though!' And so, I cried for a week and hid under my bed" babbled Alice excitedly. Somehow becoming a swan had stopped her from being introverted and she was now telling Quentin her tragic backstory. Quentin couldn't understand a word she was saying on account of her being a swan but he vaguely got the sentiment and smiled encouragingly. Or rather he would have done, if he had had a mouth.

Quentin Beakwater and his classmates had been flying for several days now and it was beginning to get exhausting. The wedge (that's the collective noun for swans in flight) had got used to their swan bodies remarkably quackly (get it?) and they were now gliding gracefully in an arrow formation. Quentin himself was suffering withdrawal symptoms from his books and every so often he would shudder and make a weird strangled squeaking noise, although that could also be because he was a swan. Who knows?

The air had become significantly colder and the sea beneath them was turning to ice. Then up ahead they saw it: their destination. It basically looked like Hogwarts but covered in snow and in far higher clarity due to the red oil droplets in the cones of their swan retinas that improves contrast and sharpens distance vision [ _citation needed_ ]. As they approached the colossal castle they saw the dark silhouette of a hooded man standing on the roof of the tallest tower. All the swans circled through the air and came to land at his feet.

The man regarded them coldly although that might just have been because they were in Antarctica. He made the briefest of gestures at the bevy (that's the collective noun for swans not in flight) and they instantly became human. " _Drunbaflux_ " he spat before walking inside. The class shrugged and followed him. They stood in a well-lit office and found the man sitting at an ornate desk.

" _Drunbaflux!_ " he snarled again, lowering his hood to reveal a handsome bearded face.

"No hablo blyat!" declared Quentin Unculturedwater.

The man sighed. "It's not Russian you pillock" his accent was thick yet hard to place. "I telepathically learned human every language to try and find the most meaningful way of saying `I hate you' but I couldn't find one with enough venom so I had to improvise." The class considered this development.

"Excuse me sir but who are you?" said Alice timidly. Now that she was human again she had reverted back to her usual introverted self.

"I am Professor Mayakovski; my knowledge of magic is rivalled only by my unyielding contempt for all of you." He stood up and eyed them all with a look of pure hatred. "Know that the only reason you are alive is because I can't be bothered to destroy you, but believe me, the temptation is rising."

"Cool, I have depression as well" cried a little boy at the back who hadn't really been following the action. Mayakovski made a vague gesture and the boy ceased to exist.

"You see what I did there?" he asked passively "I just destroyed matter, that's not even possible." Everyone regarded him with horror except Quentin who regarded him with awe and Josh who was hiding behind the door and wondering how long it would be until someone laughed.

"Why do you hate humans so much, um… my lord?" stammered Quentin.

"Well as it happens I have a rather tragic backstory" began the professor.

"Me too" squeaked Alice before instantly regretting it. Mayakovski took a deep breath before resuming.

"My tale begins in ancient Egypt. Back then I was known by another name. A name that resonates throughout history as the greatest magician of all time."

"Dumbledore!" gasped Quentin.

"No, you grade nine bell-end! Dumbledore doesn't exist and if he did then I would hate him as much as I hate all of you!" The Professor pinched the bridge of his nose before resuming once again in a voice that sounded suspiciously like that of John Hurt.

"In a land of monotony and a time of morons, the destiny of a miserable bunch of mud huts rested upon the shoulders of a young, attractive, sexy, suave, debonair, intellectual man. His name: Merlin!" when this statement and the ensuing theme tune failed to elicit any reaction from the students, Mayakovski summoned a swarm of demon locusts and sent them to hunt down JK Rowling before beginning his tale once again.

"I was but a slave boy spending most of my time carrying bit of stone or hiding behind a tree reading books and scrolls and manuscripts. Eventually my knowledge grew so vast that I was able to solve the very mechanics of the universe and peer deep into the void that is the intangible plane of the ethereal realm."

"What did it look like, your eminence?" asked Quentin.

"It was kind of blue and fuzzy" muttered Merlin losing his train for thought completely which for someone with as great a mind as he was quite an achievement. Josh was holding back giggles from behind the door.

"Um… oh right. So, after inventing magic as we know it I ran back to my village to share my secrets with my friends. Unfortunately, I didn't know that the 18-year-old Pharaoh himself was at that moment riding his chariot through my village. He was so startled to see me running past him that he fell and got a compound leg fracture, causing him to die instantly of sickle-cell disease."

"So, you murdered Tutankhamun?" said Quentin. "That's quite funny actually."

"ALMOST AS FUNNY AS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU INTERUPT ME AGAIN!" screamed the professor. "Of course, I could have resurrected him with my magic but I didn't want to since he was a dickhead. So instead I was banished and forced to roam the earth for many millennia. Every time I try to interfere in human affairs it all goes terribly wrong like when I shot John F Kennedy because he was a ginger". Mayakovski sighed woefully.

"So, I decided to isolate myself from human kind in this dreary frozen hell until that British wanker, Dean Foggy decided he wanted to run an `exchange program'. I'm not even a qualified teacher, I mean you all saw me erase that kid, earlier right?"

"I DIDN'T!" cried Josh leaping out from behind the door causing everyone except for

Quentin and Mayakovski to laugh hysterically. Mayakovski growled something in hieroglyphics which turned Josh's vocal cords into guitar strings.

"So, there you have it scum, I'm going to teach you proper magic. Not because I care about your education but because I'm going to find it hilarious when it brings you nothing but sadness. But first of all, Alice was my backstory more tragic than yours?"

Alice looked down at her feet "Tracy stole my purple crayon" she mumbled.

"As I thought" said Mayakovski with a grim smile before he ended the chapter with his mind.


	6. Chapter 6: A Cloud in Trousers

**Chapter 6: A Cloud in Trousers**

Now it would be at this point in a film or television series that music would begin to play and we would watch for several minutes as Quentin Frozenwater and his cold companions trained and grew stronger. Sadly, I'm not sure how to write a montage so you're just going to have to read the long version.

Mayakovski led the class down a long corridor into a large atrium. The sign on the door stated that they were in the 'Gallery of Wonder' and Quentin could see why. A box sat on a small table in the corner of the room.

"Don't look in the box" growled Mayakovski. Quentin and Janet sauntered over to it. Inside the box they found a larger box. Quentin looked away but Janet wasn't quick enough and her eyes began to bleed. Mayakovski sighed before healing her eyes with a slight knee gesture. The class followed him onwards.

On the next table they found a pamphlet which proved the existence of God with absolute certainty and next to it sat another pamphlet which disproved the existence of God with equally absolute certainty. The table after that definitely existed, even when not observed and the following table was demonstrating what happens when an unstoppable force hits an immovable table. Josh was trying to say something funny but couldn't due to his acoustic vocal cords.

"Why are there so many tables?" asked Thomas McKillable a classmate whose magical discipline meant that there would be literally no consequence to his death.

"You really don't want to know" said Mayakovski. His eyes gleamed dangerously.

"I think I do, actually" replied Thomas.

Mayakovski shrugged. "DIE-KIA" he bellowed. Thomas made a sound like cheap furniture collapsing under its own weight before folding in on himself and transforming into a table.

"Who just died?" said Alice who hadn't been paying attention.

"Is that piano playing itself?" asked Quentin who was still observing the various magical impossibilities that surrounded them.

"Shut up and follow me!" spat Mayakovski, leading the members of the class who hadn't been tablefied. They followed him across the room, doing their best to ignore the object set in perpetual motion and a statue made out of jealousy. There was even a TV showing a funny episode of The Big Bang Theory. Eventually though the room came to an end. Mayakovski led the students into a classroom and sat them all down.

"Right then" he grunted "You all seem to be under the impression that magic is great".

"It is pretty great if you ask me!" piped up Quentin.

"And yet no one did." Replied Mayakovski.

Everyone laughed except Josh who emitted a noise which sounded like D minor. "The point is, magic is hard work and at the end of the day it can do everything but fill the void within you." Mayakovski resumed, turning Josh's vocal cords back to normal with a particularly aggressive tongue gesture. "This is why for your first lesson, you will be hammering a nail into this wooden block. Without using your hands."

Blocks and nails appeared from thin air whilst the student's hands were tied behind their backs thanks to another of Mayakovski's inattentive gestures. Elliot shrugged before headbutting the nail at full force, dying instantly.

"You were meant to use magic, you fundamental bastard" sighed Mayakovski, resurrecting him with a bored rib motion.

The task was hard and gruelling, especially since nobody but Quentin Packedfullofelectrolyteswater knew how to perform the required spell and he wasn't going to tell them since he wanted to maintain his position as the clever character. Eventually though they all managed it (except Nevil but he's just destined to fail).

"Well done, performed to task of a single mundane hammer. NOW DO IT AGAIN!"

This was how Quentin's first three months at Hogwarts Antarctica passed. Mayakovski, having removed his power of speech because 'It pissed him off' set them all increasingly gruelling and boring tasks to accomplish and they sluggishly worked their way through them all the while subject to the professor's explanations as to why he hated humans. Eventually though it came to the fourth and final month.

"Right then maggots" growled Mayakovski. "Today you will be learning the properly advanced stuff. Transformation and the like." They were set the task of turning themselves into foxes. Needless to say, Quentin found the task thoroughly interesting. When they were all suitably vulpine, Mayakovski deleted the floor beneath them which sent them plummeting into the arctic snow.

"This next task requires you to turn back into humans and scale the castle wall." Declared Mayakovski, floating above them effortlessly.

"What did he say?" asked Janet.

"I think he said: 'Have a massive fox orgy'" replied Quentin Opportunewater. "Hey Alice, your discipline is Phosphomancy right?"

"Yeah, I can manipulate photons" said Alice sounding confused.

"Doesn't that make you a flesh-light?" said Quentin, clearly immensely proud of himself. Everyone else on the other hand awkwardly stared at their paws.

"You guys are no fun" said Quentin as he mounted Alice.

High above the snow drifts Mayakovski gazed at the students with genuine horror. "What the hell are you doing!?" he gasped, forgetting to sound angry in light of this new development. "No, seriously guys that's disgusting." The rutting foxes ignored him. "Alright I've had more than enough of this". He gnashed his teeth magically. "Go home".

Quentin Furrywater woke up in the physical clubhouse. Next to him lay Alice, sleeping peacefully. Quentin smiled peacefully to disguise the fact that he found her completely repulsive when she wasn't a fox.


	7. Chapter 7: Penny's Return

**Chapter 7: The inevitable return of Penny the punk.**

After five magical years Quentin Wetwater's Hogwarts journey ended. Once again, he purposeless and empty. Did he go and live with his new girlfriend Alice? Should he stay on at Hogwarts as a teacher? Maybe he should reconnect with his friends: Julia and Love-Rival. The answer to his problems came unexpectedly in the form of Josh. Josh's rich uncle Robert Galbraith had just been gored to death by demon locusts leaving him enough money for a cosy flat in central [ _American City Name_ ].

That night the whole gang was gathered around for dinner. Quentin, Alice, Elliot, Janet, Josh and some Christian dude who Quentin had taken an irrational disliking to.

"What's this guy called again?" asked Quentin, his voice dripping with spite and gravy.

"Christian" said Christian piously.

"Jesus Christ, were just replacing our names with our character traits now? What is this, Horrid Henry?"

"Please don't blaspheme" said Christian religiously.

"SHUT UP PAPIST!" screamed Quentin.

"I'm a protestant actually" said Christian holyly.

"Calm down, Quentin" said Alice. Quentin instantly calmed down. Janet had cooked them all a lovely roast dinner because, my God she had bugger all else to do besides looking pretty. She had used her rather niche magic to create two ice sculptures of Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker who would now breed in the middle of the table until they melted.

Nobody was enjoying themselves because they were all bland teenagers. Well, nobody except Elliot but he was drunk as usual. Yes, his drinking was still a serious issue, he had quit smoking though this was only because his blood alcohol content was so high that it was unwise for him to have flames near his skin.

Josh had run out of jokes and had resorted to stealing them from obscure 90s films. Much to the detriment of his already detrimental humour.

"So the vicar says: What God wants, he keeps!" finished Josh. Everyone laughed except Christian because he was offended and Quentin because he was a grumpy git.

Soon, they all stumbled off to bed. Alice 'enjoyed' some fox-based sex with Quentin, after which he read Narnia in the afterglow while she silently lay resenting her life decisions. Nobody else got any sleep either, partly because of the noise Quentin made while reading Narnia and partly due to the ever-present hum of the magical force fields placed around the flat to prevent the goblins from getting at them. (Goblins in fact don't exist and had been made up by Josh as a joke. Josh had spent the last two months wondering when somebody was going to laugh.)

Morning broke and Quentin stumbled sleepily down the stairs to do some sneaky revision. He nearly tripped over the corpse of their old flatmate, Amanda. Everyone had got on rather well with Amanda but she unfortunately decided to be new the clever character so Quentin stabbed her with a bread knife.

The milk ran slowly out of the bottle like a snail late for work. Quentin thought to himself how much he loved the early morning. The peace and quiet made it especially easy to revise. Quentin walked out of the kitchen with his cereal bowl. He froze. Quiet? He turned on the spot and found the hunched figure of: Penny the punk!

"Surprised?" chortled Penny, he performed a ridiculously complex punk hand gesture which involved tickling Quentin until he dropped his breakfast.

"Yes" said Quentin irritably brushing cheerios' off his shoes. "I was expecting a goblin."

"Oh right, I disabled your crappy force fields. Surprisingly easy despite the fact that I skipped 4 years of my Hogwarts education." He pulled of his leather beanie and sat down on Quentin's favourite armchair.

"Go on then, tell us where you've been" said Quentin, gesturing at the others who had filed into the room after hearing Quentin's manly scream.

"Well, after discovering my magical discipline was Plot magic, went to convene with my own kind in Antifest"

"What?" muttered Janet.

"It's a punk festival in the Czech Republic." Said Alice, eying Penny's punk tattoos.

"Right so after listening to the soothing tunes of Napalm Death, I was deemed worthy to carry this prestigious plot artefact". Penny whipped the important McGuffin out of his pocket and held it out for everyone to see.

"This makes no sense" said Quentin. "Firstly, Napalm death are an extreme metal band not a punk rock band. Secondly, I'm the protagonist not Penny therefore I should have a discipline that actually affects the plot." Penny reached out and touched his arm. The world around them crumbled away. The cool moist sensation hit him almost immediately and Quentin realised he was floundering in a pond. Coughing and spluttering, he pulled himself out of the water and looked around.

Quentin found himself in an endless wood. Trees surrounded him, obscuring the sky above with a thick canopy of leaves but allowing some dappled light to penetrate their leafy blanket. Quentin took a shaky step forward. And then another, temperate tears running down his slack face. He knew where he was of course. This was the Wood between Worlds. How many sleepless nights had 9-year old Quentin Stillwater spent imagining this place? This fantasy forest, with its impossibly tall trees and its shimmering ponds. Yes, the ponds, behind each one sat a whole new world: Fillory, Charn, Arda, Diskworld and…Narnia. Quentin took a deep breath. He had discovered the gateway to Narnia. The illusion was promptly shattered when he realised that Penny had discovered it first.

"You okay?" asked Penny softly, seeing the tears in Quentin's eyes.

"I hope your hands are consumed by a pissed of man in a nice suit" snarled Quentin in response, wiping his eyes on his sleeves.

Penny considered this. "Okay, we're done here". He grabbed Quentin's arm again and they reappeared in Josh's flat.

Several pages of explaining that I skipped later (Your welcome) and the whole gang was up to speed. Josh stroked his imaginary beard and uttered his first line of dialogue that wasn't a crap joke. "So, now what?"

"I think that's pretty obvious" said Quentin. "We head over to Narnia and become kings like Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy."

"For there is no authority except from God, Romans 13:1" said Christian prayerfully.

"I'm about to Massacre of the Latins your ass" spat Quentin.

"I'm a protestant actually" said Christian spiritually.

"I think your forgetting something" said Penny "The only way any of you are getting to Narnia is if I let you. Therefore I have two requests: Firstly we need a base of operations to plan the trip and also learn combat magic. And secondly we keep this between ourselves because I don't want anybody else getting there first".

"Certainly, just me, Alice, Quentin, Josh, Janet, Christian and you" said Elliot.

"What about Anais?" said Alice.

"Oh yeah, we can't forget Anais" agreed Elliot.

So, it was settled the whole gang headed up to a peaceful farm previously owned by Josh's rich uncle Robert Galbraith who had just been gored to death by demon locusts. After unpacking they assembled around the dining table.

"This is like the Avengers" said Josh making everyone laugh except Quentin.

"If we're going to be the Avengers or any superhero team then we will need a more diverse cast" said Alice. "At the moment all we have are eight rich white American teens with vague magical abilities".

"Penny's a punk" pointed out Josh.

"Punk isn't an ethnicity, it's a mental illness" snarled Quentin.

They sat in silence for a moment. "Oh, wait Elliot's gay remember?" said Penny.

"And I'm a Viking!" said Josh a familiar grin spreading across his face.

"Let's not start that again." Said Quentin amidst gales of laughter from his friends. "If anyone asks then I guess we can pretend Janet is part Aborigine".

"Init, mon!" said Janet.

"No" said Quentin.

And so, night fell on the farm. Quentin Excitedwater naturally couldn't sleep. He decided to take a walk through the farmhouse. He could hear Elliot throwing up because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. Josh was sitting in his room laughing to himself so Quentin passed him by. He could hear no sound from Janet's room which added to his suspicion that she ceased to exist when nobody was looking at her. From Penny's room came the noise of Alice having sex. Christians room smelt of incense and

"WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT WAS THAT!" screamed Quentin. He burst into Penny's room to confront them both.

"I'm sorry Quentin." said Alice "But your obsession with foxes was really weirding me out. Keep in touch?"

All Penny had to say was: "Get punk'd on!". Quentin did the logical thing and fainted.

When he awoke he was lying on a sofa in a warm room. He vaguely remembered waking up in the night and trying to eat Penny's hands but to no avail. Now he lying in this room with a killer headache from where Alice had hit him. It still hurt less than the knowledge that Penny had cucked him.

He stumbled into the kitchen to come face to face with the beautiful fox lady from before. Quentin Mouthwater began to water from the mouth all thoughts of Alice gone from his head.

"This is a dream, wake up" she said.

Quentin awoke for a second time on the floor of the barn. "Quentin, if you don't get ready now we're leaving without you" came the singsong voice of Elliot.


	8. Chapter 8: The Title's a bit too long

**Chapter 8: The Last Voyage of Prince Silver Wardrobe's Nephew. And his horse.**

Penny pulled out his punk cleaver, engraved with the signature of James Hetfield. Quentin Cuckedwater observed him nonchalantly. As far as Quentin was concerned, Penny's days were numbered after that stunt he pulled with Alice. The only reason he was still alive was because Quentin needed him in order to get to Narnia. And because he had a punk cleaver engraved with the signature of James Hetfield.

The cleaver cut into the soft earth and in one fluid motion, Penny carved an octogram on the barnyard floor. The magicians stood at each point, Penny took a deep breath and performed a series of complex hand gestures, passed down through generations of punks from around the mid-seventies. The world around them collapsed.

The crew of eight gasped as one as they appeared in the magical woodland pond. Make that seven since Janet was standing on the surface of the water with a bland expression on her face.

"Wow Janet, quick thinking casting a water-walking spell!" said Elliot his voice dripping with admiration and rum. Janet looked at him with an expression that could have been described as quizzical were she to have a describable face or even emotions.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure there's just so little to her character that she's somehow less dense than water" said Quentin as he extracted himself from the pond.

"So now all we have to do is find the pond that leads to Narnia" Said Alice _[Synonym for timid]_ -ly.

"It's that one" said Quentin "Look its next to that dried up pond that leads to Charn." He walked briskly over to the pond and gazed into its infinite crystalline depths.

"What's Charn?" said Elliot.

"Picture Romania only with less life" said Quentin Racistwater. Everyone shuddered. They gathered around the Narnia pond and prepared to jump in. Quentin took a deep shuddering breath his heart pounding. This was it. He was going to Narnia.

"Well the lord's _my_ shepherd. How about you guys?" said Christian biblically.

Quentin clenched his fist. All of them. He was going to kill all of them. But first… Narnia.

"Once more unto the breach!" he cried.

"Said your mum!" squealed Josh. The moment ruined, they all pencil dived into the pond. Into Narnia.

They found themselves in a small castle town. Quentin stood and looked around him, the wind whipping through his hair. Narnian wind. He was home.

"Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore" giggled Penny.

Quentin narrowed his eyes. Time to deal with Penny. Quentin turned towards him raised his hand threateningly. Penny saw him coming and raised his punk cleaver engraved with the signature of James Hetfield.

"Careful Quentin, let's not do something that you'll regret" Said Penny levelly.

"James Hetfield is a heavy metal singer, not a punk" replied Quentin. Penny shrieked and dropped the cleaver as though it were boiling hot. Quentin mumbled a spell under his breath. He still didn't know what his discipline was but he was willing to bet that it was more useful in a fight than Plot magic.

He was proved wrong when the fireball he sent soaring at Penny fizzled out impotently against his bald punk head. Damn it. Then a small brown object shot through the air and hit Quentin in the chest, knowing him to the ground. At first Quentin though it was some weird combat magic cast by Penny or one of the others but the he realised that it was in fact a rat.

"No disturbing the peace, boy" squealed the rat. Quentin also squealed for he realised that it was no ordinary rat: it was Reepicheep.

"Who?" said Alice.

The sword wielding rat jumped neatly off Quentin's chest and scurried away to perform some other heroic acts. Quentin watched him go wistfully.

"I could use a drink" said Elliot.

"Oh, what's new?" spat Quentin but they all followed him to a what looked like a bar. Inside they found a splendid menagerie of fantasy creatures as well as some boring ones. A talking bear sat at a table guzzling honey from a large pitcher. An attractive elf sat cross legged in a booth, surrounded by shot glasses but not looking in the least bit drunk. A creepy looking man with stubble and a sword was eying them over his pint and at the bar sat some fairy named Molly.

"AH! The local taverning hole!" cried Elliot, really getting into the role-play. "A pint of your strongest, make that eighteen" he winked at the elf who met his gaze with a smile.

"Careful" cautioned the bar manager, gesturing to the elf. "There's no one that can beat Erandur in a drinking contest".

"Nonsense" laughed Elliot gaily "I bet I could drink that man under the table." He preceded to dive under Erandur's table and undo his trousers.

Quentin sighed and looked around. The odd man was creeping him out and Molly looked kind of bland despite being a fairy so that left the bear. Quentin pulled up a chair at the bears table and ordered himself a pint of honey. The others mingled. The bear turned out to be called Ursa and he was quite friendly, if a little drunk on honey.

"High King Peter hasn't been seen in these parts for many a year" he said in a grizzly voice. (Because he's a bear, get it?).

"So that leaves Narnia's throne ripe for the claiming?" asked Quentin through a mouthful of honey.

"Yes indeed sir. The next mortals who find their way here can claim the crown" replied Ursa. Quentin's heart pounded audibly. "Oh course they would first have to retrieve the crown from the cave" the bear finished.

"Where is this cave then?" said Quentin quivering with anticipation. Powerful, long arms stretched around him from behind, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"I can show you the way, for a _fee_ " said the creepy looking man.

"No thanks, you're kind of creepy" said Quentin. Aragorn left looking rather offended. Quentin looked back at the bear. "Continue good sir."

"Well as it happens the cave is about a two hour walk from here" said Ursa. "Hey! Where are you going?" he cried for Quentin had leaped up and run over to his friends who were talking to Molly.

"Guys, I just found out how to become Kings and Queens" he yelled.

"Good, let's be on our way then, if I listen to Molly talk anymore I will actually kill myself" groaned Penny. "Are all fairies boring non characters?".

"Yes" said Janet remembering the epitome of disappointment that was Mr Dorothy. After they had cleaned up Elliot, they headed off down the winding path. Quentin's friends had become rather annoyed at him explaining the history and lore behind every creature they passed but naturally Quentin Sociowater didn't pick up on this because he wasn't good at relating to people.

"And then Old Father Time raised his horn and used it to rend the ground below them" finished Quentin.

"Hey Quentin, what's that?" asked Alice, pointing at some sort of weird eldritch horror.

"That, you noob is a… I actually have no clue" he stammered. The Lovecraftian nightmare roared, sharp tendrils of impossibility curled and whipped at irregular angles about its void-like torso. They ran.

The Thing followed them not running but flowing like a viscous lumpy liquid, emitting soul-fraying wails all the way. They were outrunning it somehow but soon they reached a cliff. Everyone stopped to avid sailing head-first over the edge. The Thing neared.

"Hold on tight, boys" said Elliot. He gathered them in his arms and jumped. Glorious technicolour insect wings sprouted from his back as they flew across the crevasse.

"Elliot" said Penny calmly "why do you have wings?"

"I'm a friend of Dorothy's" replied Elliot proudly. Everyone groaned.

"Drop me" said Quentin quietly.

"Damn, bugger and blast" cried the Entity from the Deep Dark Beyond as they flew away into the sunset.

"Not so big now, are you?" called Quentin.

"I think that's because he's further away, Quentin" said Christian righteously.

"Shut up, Christian! Go fiddle with your rosary!" cried Quentin triumphantly.

"I'm a protestant, actually" said Christian Jesusly. Elliot spread his wings and soared, the other seven magicians clung tightly to each other and surveyed the beautiful landscape bellow. A tiny cave etched into the side of a cliff caught Quentin Non-Newtonianwater's attention.

"I think that's the cave with the crowns of Narnia in." he cried excitedly.

"Blimey, that's cave-venient" said Josh, making everyone laugh except Quentin. Elliot spiralled down and landed at the mouth of the cave.

"This seems like a logical conclusion to the chapter" said Alice.

"Whatever" said Quentin who was still annoyed at her for the altercation with Penny. He soldiered on into the darkness. As well as being dark, the cave had the added bonus of being rather spooky. Almost too spooky.

"Oh boy, a skeleton" said Penny.

"Auight lads" said the skeleton. Everyone screamed. Josh and Elliot tripped over each other which Elliot enjoyed considerably. Christian pulled out a crucifix and Penny pulled out the punk equivalent. Janet didn't even look remotely shocked but she's been running on minimum power from the beginning.

The skeleton let out a wheezing laugh. "No seriously I don't have lungs, how is this possible."

"Magic?" said Quentin. It seemed to be the explanation for most of the weird bollocks that had been going on over the last few years. The skeleton considered this and nodded. Then he gestured at the object in Penny's outstretched hand.

"What's the ells' that then?" he asked.

"An effigy of the most punk punk whoever punk'd" cried Penny. "Chloe Price from 'Life is Strange'".

The skeleton performed another anatomical impossibility and sighed. "Yeah nah I ain't even going to ask. Listen up mates, don't you even try going into that cave coz nothin' goods gonna comes of it"

"Are we going to get boned?" said Josh who couldn't resist.

"Right then, bugger this. On second thoughts definitely go further into the cave, its full of Turkish Delight and pillows" spat the skeleton, not looking particularly offended owing to the fact that he was a skeleton.

"Jolly good!" said Elliot, leading the way. They trudged on into the cave each of them wondering what they were going to do when they became lords of Narnia and how they would spend the riches that came with it.

"Quentin, what's that?" asked Alice even more quietly than normal.

"A fox for every day of the week" said Quentin who was still thinking about his imminent riches. But she was right, something was there. Quentin looked deeper into the pitch-black cave. He blinked and the darkness blinked back. Suddenly he was afraid, very afraid indeed for he knew the face that hung in the darkness. "Nobody. Move" he whispered. "That right there is the Calormen demon deity, Tash".

"Can we kill it?" whispered Alice as the shadows shifted discernibly into a vaguely humanoid shape.

"Are you an immortal lion god?" asked Quentin

"No?" replied Alice.

"There's your answer" said Quentin, glad that he was spending his final moments being a dick.

"I don't want to die a virgin" wailed Josh. Black talons wrapped around his arms.

"Be careful what you wish for" said the darkness. Josh was dragged kicking and screaming into the inky depths. The group hung their heads in remembrance of their comrade. Rescuing him was naturally out of the question.

"See you in Valhalla, my Viking friend" breathed Elliot, brushing the alcoholic tears from his eyes. The eight who were mercilessly cut to a seven walked on. Only now did they realise how essential comic relief was to a story.

"At least we still have Anais" said Penny.

"Phew we couldn't do without you, Anais" said Alice smiling at thin air.

The cave stretched ever on. After walking for what seemed like several hours Quentin had an epiphany.

"Are we walking in circles?" he asked.

"Nope, that's far to generic a trope to use" said Penny "Lev Grossman would never sink to such predictable levels." They thought about this for a second.

"Well bugger me, so we are" muttered Elliot. "How do we progress then?"

"Easy" said Quentin. He placed his hands on the wall and channelled every last piece of magic in his body into them. A rumbling began and Quentin's hands glowed with a white magical splendour. The wall suddenly shattered and exploded in a cloud of dust. "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL: RESONATING CONCRETE" cried Quentin. He was about to unleash another obscure Doctor Who reference but then the smoke cleared.

Amidst a pile of rubble lay Aslan.


	9. Chapter 9: At Long Last

**Chapter 9: At long last**

Aslan. Of all the creatures and beings of Narnia he was the one Quentin Nerdwater had hoped to meet most. A magnificent golden lion, towering above them, smiling.

"Welcome kiddos!" he said. His voice was regal and sweet. Like a king-sized mars bar.

"You have journeyed distances far and vast and thus your tale nears its conclusion." His lion sized eyes grew sad. "But a story is hardly a story without an antagonist"

"I believe that's my cue" said The Beast. He walked slowly into the room wearing the most exquisite of suits and holding one of those canes that only villains and aristocrats use. In front of his face floated a cloud of smoke, obscuring his features. "Hello again everyone, I haven't seen you since chapter 2" said The Beast.

"Um…who is this?" asked Penny.

"People call me The Beast" said The Beast. "Bit generic I know however Quentin over there knows who I really am".

"Dad?" said Quentin. The Beast shook his head and then clicked his fingers making the smoke cloud dissipate. Quentin gasped. "Eustace Clarence Scrubb!".

"Quentin for the last time: NOBODY HAS READ NARNIA!" screamed Alice.

"You know, the main character in The Silver Chair: everyone's least favourite Narnia novel" said Quentin sounding genuinely hurt. Eustace gnashed his teeth and slammed his fists together.

"And there it is…" he hissed.

Penny took a step forward and looked Eustace in the eyes. "Look mate, C.S Lewis was always a bit abstract for me so I'm not actually sure who or what you are." Penny rolled up the sleeves of his vest. "But if you're the antagonist then you need to be dealt with. SAY YOUR PRAYERS LITTLE ONE".

"Bold words from someone who doesn't eat hands" said Eustace, eating Penny's hands. Quentin's laugh faded away as the beast turned to face him. Alice cast a spell which shone a slightly inconvenient light in his face. "Ouch?" said Eustace.

"That's what I thought!" said Alice before she was swatted into the wall of the cave by the approaching Eustace. Her eyes fluttered shut. Janet raised her arms lazily and watched as the air before her crystallised. Two perfect ice replicas of Cersei and Jamie Lannister formed and proceeded to make love. Janet's eyes widened in what could have been perceived as an emotion before she was also tossed aside.

"Seriously though, what is the point of snowmanpornomancy?" giggled Elliot. Eustace raised his fist but Elliot was faster. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it and then held it in front of his face while he breathed out. A jet of flame sprayed forwards and ignited Eustace's suit.

Eustace took off his suit.

"Well, shit" muttered Elliot. Wings sprouted from his back. "Away!" he cried as he sailed out of the cave.

"Anais, help" said Quentin. Anais continued to not exist. Eustace's smile grew wider still. "Christian me old chum, I think were done for unless you have any tricks hidden up your sleeves" said Quentin a resigned smile hung upon his face.

"Allahu akbar" replied Christian cathedraly.

Quentin was lifted off his feet and tossed weightlessly away as the whole room exploded loudly.

Quentin Justaddwater awoke in a warm feather bed. At the foot of the bed sat the fox lady. "Hello Quentin" she said.

"Lucy Pevensie" he said. It wasn't a question. She smiled.

"You worked out who I am." She pulled out her dagger and cordial. Previously seeing these artefacts would have filled Quentin with wonder but now he felt nothing.

"What happened to my friends?" he asked. Lucy grimaced. "They all died?" he said, equally tonelessly.

"Well no. Elliot survived and has become the High Queen of Narnia" she said. Quentin groaned. "The rest of them died though." Quentin sat back and let this sink in. Lucy waited patiently.

"How do I leave Narnia?" he asked finally. "I want to go home and forget all of this ever happened." Lucy stirred.

"Well normally you would ask Aslan but he's currently coating a wall in that cave thanks to your explosive friend." Quentin said nothing. "You could try asking Aslan's father: The Emperor Beyond the Sea" Quentin remembered the stories. The Emperor Beyond the Sea was the most powerful being ever, so powerful that he had created Narnia itself. "The emperor can be summoned from that stone tablet where Aslan dies the first time around in the second book. You get to ask him three questions and then he's gone forever."

And so Quentin Icantbelieveitsnotwater journeyed far and wide in search of the magic stone table thing. All the while the feeling in his chest would not go away. He had never been this sad about anything before and he figured that leaving Narnia and forgetting everything would be the best course of action. At last he came upon the sacred site and knelt before it.

He uttered the incantation and the very air seemed to hum with magic as though millions of bees had taken flight to herald the coming of the most marvellous of beings. The Emperor Beyond the Sea. A smile hung in the air, shortly followed by a body.

"I hate you" said Mayakovski.

Quentin gasped. "You're the Emperor Beyond the Sea!?" he squealed.

"That's right" said Mayakovski.

Quentin calmed his nerves. He was only going to get one shot at this. "I get to ask you three questions, right?" he said.

"No Quentin, you already asked me two just now" said Mayakovski with a familiar grin "You have one left".

"Shit" thought Quentin. "Its fine I'm a clever guy, I got this". He thumped his hand on his chest and cleared his throat. "Is it possible to leave Narnia?" he asked.

Mayakovski's grin grew wider. "Yes" he said, before vanishing.

Quentin Water looked up to the sky. It had begun to rain and the very air shook, seeming aware of the pathetic fallacy. Quentin shook also and as the rain fell upon his upturned face he laughed. He laughed and laughed as his clothes became saturated and the ground dampened. He realised then that it was all a joke and that the punchline: was him. His eyes closed and the rain continued to pour.


	10. Epilogue Shmepilogue

**Epilogue**

The man sat in his chair and watched it all unfold. When it finally ended he heaved a great sigh, the light of a dozen stars reflected in his purple eyes. He leaned forwards and his golden armour clinked.

"Fine" said Thanos "I'll do it myself".


End file.
